so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
