How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We named our party play list daddy issues
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
