no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
