The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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