Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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