It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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