if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
