Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
