Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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