The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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