new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
