Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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