Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
