i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
