I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
