I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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