He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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