this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
