the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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