While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
