I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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