turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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