I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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