It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
