i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
