I want to make a zoo with you.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
3 2 1 whiskey
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
