somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
