Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
