Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize