College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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