Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
