sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize