Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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