Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
