Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Someone shit on the floor
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize