I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
