just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
