i already hear my dad disowning me
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
