I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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