Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
