Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Randomize