that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
