Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
