My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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