Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
