good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize