I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize