Have you finally orgasmed yet?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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