I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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