she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
bring money and cleavage
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize