i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize