Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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