My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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