just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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