you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
