Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
