She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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