Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
