so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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