I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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