I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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