Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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