he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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